


Like Air

by Anonymous



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Confessions, Feelings, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27520315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Takes place around the time of Steven's and Ryan's break-ups with their previous significant others when they were helping each other through it. During a routine hang out session of gaming, junk food, and venting, Ryan reveals something unexpected to Steven.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin (mentioned)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 64
Collections: Anonymous





	Like Air

The coffee table is stacked with half empty pizza boxes and crushed soda cans. Mario Kart is paused on Steven's TV screen, and he's wearing a smirk at yet another victory. 

"Okay, you may have beat me in one on one last week, but I beat _you_ best five out of ten in Mario Kart!" Steven exclaims, nudging Ryan's arm with his elbow. 

Ryan's gaze falls to his controller in his lap and Steven sits up a little straighter, a silent invitation for Ryan to say what's on his mind. 

This is the sort of unspoken communication they've developed over the past few weeks. Getting dumped by a long-term girlfriend is especially devastating for anyone, but for loyal through long distance Steven and hopeless romantic Ryan, it's hit them especially hard. The only bright spot in all of this is that they're not having to endure their misery alone. They have someone else to wallow with in the swamp of rejection and crushed dreams. They'll eat take out until their stomachs ache, play video games until their thumbs are sore, and then inevitably at some point, one of them will grow misty-eyed and tender around the edges. The other will pause, will listen respectfully, and will look at them with the eyes of someone who knows exactly what they're going through. 

Ryan lets out a shaky sigh and Steven spares the near empty tissue box on the end table a quick glance. 

"You know, I can't believe I didn't see this coming sooner," Ryan comments, tensely running a hand through his hair. "I'm pretty sure Shane saw it way before I did, but he kept it to himself, for my sake." 

Steven nods. "I mean, he's your best friend. He wasn't just gonna trash talk Helen like that." 

Ryan shrugs. "He does now. Calls her a freaky lady." He can't help the small smile that curls on his lips. 

"Well, he's not wrong," Steven laughs softly. 

"Sometimes, it's like he's madder at her than I am," Ryan says, his voice trailing off. 

"That's what friends are for," Steven jokes, glad when Ryan's smile grows a little wider. 

They're silent for a moment, Ryan tracing his thumb absently over the controller. 

"And it's probably for the best, right?" Ryan asks. 

"Of course. Helen wanted to move to New York to further her career, and you--" Steven began. 

"That's not what I meant," Ryan interrupts and Steven can see the tightening in his posture. 

"Well...what did you mean?" Steven questions. 

"Me and Shane," Ryan replies, looking up at him. "Being friends. It's for the best right?"

"As opposed to...what, hating each other?" Steven asks, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. 

Ryan flushes slightly. "I mean...I meant being... _just_ friends." 

Steven is quiet for a moment, struggling to catch Ryan's meaning until it hits him so fast he feels like he got whiplash. 

"You've...got a crush on Shane?" he asks, eyes widening in surprise. "Aren't you straight?" 

Ryan lets out a self-deprecating laugh. "Yeah, as far as he and everyone else but you knows." 

Steven places a comforting hand on Ryan's shoulder. "You know it's okay if you're not right? I mean, we live in LA Ryan. We work at Buzzfeed."

"I don't want things to change between Shane and me," Ryan mumbles. "I don't...want him to know." 

"You don't want him to know that you like him or that you're...gay? Bisexual?" Steven tries to clarify. 

"I don't know what I am but if Shane thinks I'm not straight, he'll connect the dots, and he'll start being all awkward around me. You saw how he reacted to Maycie. He became so polite around her it was like he turned into an automated customer message," Ryan explains. 

Steven sighs, but nods in agreement. Shane and he aren't exactly friends, but Steven knows him, and emotions are like a foreign language to Shane. He looks at Ryan, sensing there's more he wants to say, but he waits patiently, giving him the time and space to do so. 

"My life would be so much easier if Shane wasn't in it," Ryan mutters, rubbing a hand over his face. "It would be boring and empty as hell, but easier." 

Steven nods to show he's listening. It still feels like Ryan is speaking vaguely, even if his explanation does make sense. 

"It would be easier if it was just a crush," Ryan continues. "But...when Shane's around, it's like my heart beats a thousand times per minute. It's like...I can't breathe, but also like I'm...finally breathing again after holding my breath for a super long time. I've probably spent more time around him than any other human for the past five years and I should be sick of him by now...but my chest still kinda hurts when we part ways after a shoot. It's so dumb and cliche and just...so fucking lame." 

Ryan laughs mirthlessly and Steven tightens his grip on Ryan's shoulder. "It's not dumb," Steven tells him. "Or cliche, or fudging lame," he fills in before Ryan can protest. 

Ryan gives him a small smile in return. "People always think it's Shane who isn't the straight one; I don't...listen to hipster records, or take pictures of flowers or shit like that." 

"So...what are you going to do?" Steven prompts. 

Ryan shakes his head. "Nothing." 

Steven's eyes widen. "So you're just gonna spend the rest of your life in love with him but not say anything?! Stand next to him when he marries Sara and just...bite your tongue and pretend you're crying because you're happy for them?" 

The words tumble out before Steven can stop himself, and he winces at his own harshness. "Sorry." 

Ryan shakes his head. "The thing is, I would be happy for him. For both of them. It just...wouldn't be the only reason I was crying." 

"Ryan--" Steven tries again. 

"My life really would be easier if Shane wasn't in it...but I don't wanna spend any second of my life knowing what that's like," Ryan says quietly. 

They're both silent for a moment until Ryan presses a button on his controller and the TV screen springs to life again. 

"Best ten out of twenty?" Ryan asks, his gaze fixed on the game. 

"You're on," Steven replies.


End file.
